Jokes of This Week Goes to.......Ah Beng!!!!!
Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant. "Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng. "Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."
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Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas?" Operator: "Just a minute......" Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.
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At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU, SIR?" Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
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After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"
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Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'." The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!" Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!" Host: "Quiet please." Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).
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Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems. He decided to use the 'Help' command. After some tries, he became irritated and called the computer retailer for support. Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help...but it's been over half an hour and still nobody has came to help me???" Computer Retailer:...............
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In an English class: Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?" Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother." Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?" Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)." Teacher fainted...............
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Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring loh but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But...what happen to the other ear?" "Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"
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Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake everyday. One day, they caught 30 fishes. Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?" Ah Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of the boat," Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today !?!?"
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Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it?" "No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might think we're trying to break in." Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up the lock?" "No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger." The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of something fast. It's staring to rain and the sunroof is open!!!"
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Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: "Regret cannot remember which one is you............... please keep your photo and return the others."
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Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford . After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the buttons and couldn't find the button for the first floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian decided to press the lift button "G". They found themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked, "Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was ground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you also dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"
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One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only played English songs and asked them to request another song. They were upset and complained to the manager that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of calming them down, the manager found out they were actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song, "Unchained Melody".
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Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?" Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand for 'Alamak'!"
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Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish. He paid three people to test out his experiment. The rules were: 1. Each person could only have one wish. 2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years. 3. Food, but not liquor would be provided. The first contestant, Billy Clinton (USA) asked for 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centerfolds: "So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world." The second contestant, Jon Major (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze." The last contestant, Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song." 30 years later, the three contestants came back for a press conference. Billy had with him 200 children and 30 estranged women. He remarked, "It has been a long sexual experience for me and was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free!" Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. "God save the Beer! The Queen can drink seawater." The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)
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Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he could swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help. Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim! Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered! Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among any congratulations shouted. Ah Beng looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")
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Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to a name three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng immediately said "Apple...Apricot..." then he was stumped. After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang Mor Tan!"
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Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
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How do you make Ah Beng laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
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"Oh, look at the dead bird." Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"
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Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends? Because below 18 was not allowed.
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